Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Wind Beneath My Wings

     I'm worried. Even though I kicked the nailbiting habit years ago, I caught myself, chewing on my thumbnail. I've also had a problem sleeping. I fall asleep...then suddenly, wake up with a start. After tossing and turning for a bit and reading with a flashlight, I give up and usually end up on the couch in front of late night tv. It's a restless feeling that I can't explain. I'm worried about my twin, Neecy. She's been dealing with chest pains of an unknown cause for almost a year now. Without sounding crazy, I'm certain that I'm suffering from some kind of pseudo-sympathetic ailment. Today, my twin underwent a procedure to examine her esophagus. They inserted a tube down her throat to better determine the cause of her pain. I swear that this afternoon, I struggled with throat irritation. The day before that, I felt dull, chest pains. For the past year, I have felt a strong sense of heaviness, pulling on my chest. I know it sounds strange, but I feel my twin. I know that she's hurting and I hurt for her. I wish we could trade places but it's not that easy.

     She's my hero. Even though I've alway been the "strong, fiesty twin", she has always been someone that I admire and look up to. To see her brave and endure the pain is heartbreaking but at the same time, I admire her courage. I've always wanted to be a fairy godmother, granting wishes and dreams to encourage and give hope. But unfortunately, taking away my sister's pain is beyond my fairy-like ambitions. So, I pray. I pray for her and selfishly wish she was better so we could share crazy adventures again.

     I am reminded of a time, long ago when Neecy and I were about 9 years old. For some weird reason, I began to struggle with stomach aches of an unknown origin. I felt this constant lump in my throat and just felt sad all the time. Mom took me from one doctor to another. I endured all kinds of tests. I still remember swallowing the barium for the lower GI test. Whatever it was, I couldn't shake it. During this time, Neecy was lonely. She sat outside, waiting for me to come back to her. I slept a lot and just wanted to be left alone. Years later, I found out that I struggled with adolescent depression. The thing is, Neecy never gave up on me. She knew that in time, I would get better and return to my old self again.

     Ironically, it was Neecy that forced me out of my depression. I looked outside one day and realized that she was sitting on the curb all alone. My heart broke because I knew that she was just as sad as I was. It didn't happen overnight, but somehow I gained the courage to fight through the darkness. I was determined to be okay and with a lot of prayer and encouragement from my Neecy, I was.

     I think that's what I long for. I long to return the same favor. I long to take away Neecy's pain and to be there for her exactly as she was for me during that dark period. I long to be there with her during the sleepless night and the bouts of pain to comfort and reassure her that it's going to be alright. I long to sit up all night and watch oldie movies and chat the night away. I long to give her exactly what she has given me...unconditional love, support and the determination to keep fighting.
I realize I don't have the ability to make her pain go away but as long as I'm able I will always be there for her; even miles away. I want her to always remember that I am with her in spirit and that she is not alone in this fight.

     I'm not lying, I would love to shake a few doctors and demand that they "fix my Neecy" but I also realize that sitting in a jail cell would not be helpful to Neecy cause she would just worry about me.  So, I suck it up, put on a brave face and try to be the strong one. After all she is the wind beneath my wings. Do you have someone who has inspired you during a difficult time? I'd love to hear about it.

7 comments:

  1. I wish I was there to let you know how much I appreciate you and for experiencing "twin" pain. I wish so many things but one of the biggest is to be well and have fun when you all come to visit.

    I remember those moments well where I cried because I just wanted you back and normal again. You too have been the wind beneath my wings. Through the distance you inspire me to find hope and not give up. I will fight until the doctors find a diagnosis. Thank you for being there for me, Nay Nay.

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  2. How I envy you both! The love and bond between you two is awesome!!

    I have a cousin who's my rock and mentor during difficult times.

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  3. I've heard about the twin thing it's amazing ....I hope and pray that the doctors figure it out. Your sister is an incredibly strong women and is in such a good place I hate knowing she is suffering and you as well . Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

    I have four sister I'd do anything for but nothing like the bond you have. Happy Easter

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  4. The twin relationship is such a hard one to understand. When Neecy and I were little, people would often approach us with all kinds of questions such as, "If I pinched you, would your sister also feel it?" The truth is, through the years both of us have realized how connected we really are. It's just since she's moved away that we're really missing each other. This is going to sound nuts, but the only way I've managed to be so far apart from my sister is by convincing myself that she's not too far away. If I really thought hard about it I'd probably panic to realize that she's really miles away in another state. It's my way of surviving the separation.

    It's when you go experience challenges that you discover who you "person" is.

    ~Syrone

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  5. Your blog looks great mom!! Love you!

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