I'm worried. Even though I kicked the nailbiting habit years ago, I caught myself, chewing on my thumbnail. I've also had a problem sleeping. I fall asleep...then suddenly, wake up with a start. After tossing and turning for a bit and reading with a flashlight, I give up and usually end up on the couch in front of late night tv. It's a restless feeling that I can't explain. I'm worried about my twin, Neecy. She's been dealing with chest pains of an unknown cause for almost a year now. Without sounding crazy, I'm certain that I'm suffering from some kind of pseudo-sympathetic ailment. Today, my twin underwent a procedure to examine her esophagus. They inserted a tube down her throat to better determine the cause of her pain. I swear that this afternoon, I struggled with throat irritation. The day before that, I felt dull, chest pains. For the past year, I have felt a strong sense of heaviness, pulling on my chest. I know it sounds strange, but I feel my twin. I know that she's hurting and I hurt for her. I wish we could trade places but it's not that easy.
She's my hero. Even though I've alway been the "strong, fiesty twin", she has always been someone that I admire and look up to. To see her brave and endure the pain is heartbreaking but at the same time, I admire her courage. I've always wanted to be a fairy godmother, granting wishes and dreams to encourage and give hope. But unfortunately, taking away my sister's pain is beyond my fairy-like ambitions. So, I pray. I pray for her and selfishly wish she was better so we could share crazy adventures again.
I am reminded of a time, long ago when Neecy and I were about 9 years old. For some weird reason, I began to struggle with stomach aches of an unknown origin. I felt this constant lump in my throat and just felt sad all the time. Mom took me from one doctor to another. I endured all kinds of tests. I still remember swallowing the barium for the lower GI test. Whatever it was, I couldn't shake it. During this time, Neecy was lonely. She sat outside, waiting for me to come back to her. I slept a lot and just wanted to be left alone. Years later, I found out that I struggled with adolescent depression. The thing is, Neecy never gave up on me. She knew that in time, I would get better and return to my old self again.
Ironically, it was Neecy that forced me out of my depression. I looked outside one day and realized that she was sitting on the curb all alone. My heart broke because I knew that she was just as sad as I was. It didn't happen overnight, but somehow I gained the courage to fight through the darkness. I was determined to be okay and with a lot of prayer and encouragement from my Neecy, I was.
I think that's what I long for. I long to return the same favor. I long to take away Neecy's pain and to be there for her exactly as she was for me during that dark period. I long to be there with her during the sleepless night and the bouts of pain to comfort and reassure her that it's going to be alright. I long to sit up all night and watch oldie movies and chat the night away. I long to give her exactly what she has given me...unconditional love, support and the determination to keep fighting.
I realize I don't have the ability to make her pain go away but as long as I'm able I will always be there for her; even miles away. I want her to always remember that I am with her in spirit and that she is not alone in this fight.
I'm not lying, I would love to shake a few doctors and demand that they "fix my Neecy" but I also realize that sitting in a jail cell would not be helpful to Neecy cause she would just worry about me. So, I suck it up, put on a brave face and try to be the strong one. After all she is the wind beneath my wings. Do you have someone who has inspired you during a difficult time? I'd love to hear about it.
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